Oh, Life

Reevaluation time! Yaayyy! Actually probably one of the most stressful things that a person can go through; reevaluating and reassessing your life and what you are doing with it and why. So here I am all moved across the country in sunny Florida finally going to a school that will help me accomplish a life goal I’ve had for years and then, bam! Suddenly I don’t know why I’m doing what I’m doing anymore or if I even want to be doing it now or for the rest of my life. These times are so fun. The school here is crazy, they have insane scheduling that has caused me to get no where near enough sleep and take care of myself, I have absolutely no me time whatsoever, which I don’t think is very healthy, and I am not even sure I am enjoying it. But the other problem is, I’m not sure I’m not enjoying it. I have been going back and forth for two weeks now trying to figure this whole ordeal out.

I am at a point where I am trying not to think about it as much. I have figured out that I don’t have enough information to make a good decision. I am going to come back from this short two week break and continue to go to school for at least another month. I also plan to talk to a few of my teachers and my director to get a better feel for what a career in this industry would really be like and if it’s truly a good fit for me. That is some of the best advice that has been given to me. Think about whether or not this is a good fit for who I am. I have gotten to know myself pretty damn well in the last year or so, better than I did before anyway, which I guess is normal. But yea, I do think I have a good enough grasp on myself to decide if something is a good fit. I don’t think this school is a good fit for me, but if it’s the career I really want and the industry is a good fit, I might be able to struggle through 21 months of hell. So I just have to decide if it’s worth it or not. As my mother says, is there a carrot at the end of the stick or is it empty? I am afraid I’m at a point in my life where I really don’t know what I want anymore and I just need some time to decide.

My yearning for psychology has increased over the last several months and was inspired again by the Ethics and Psychology class I took here. I miss my all my psychology grad friends and our discussions and hearing about what they were learning, it was all so interesting to me. It still interests me. I have at least made a few minor decisions, I am going to stay in Florida no matter what. I really enjoy it here, it makes me happy to be here. I’ve made some amazing friends here already and it would break my heart to leave them now. It’s amazing how close you can get to people when you’re with them practically 24 hours a day in an intense situation. I have begun to look into grad programs however, just to start to look at my options. If that is a path I decide to take it will be a year and a half until I start that adventure. So if I decide not to stick with the program I’m in, it looks like I may have to venture out into the scary world of real work. Yikes, I haven’t looked into that much yet, though I should, just so I have a good feel for all my options. It is truly a scary thought to have to support yourself. I would really love to just be a professional student and go to school forever, but I haven’t won the lottery yet, so that is probably not a good plan for me to follow right now.

So yes, I don’t know, I am in a state of confusion. I don’t know how long it will last. Though I do have hope that I will figure things out and everything will work out how it’s supposed to. I am trying to listen to my instinct and do what feels right for me. I just want to be happy in life and find a place that really fits me and my needs. Right now I don’t think all my needs are being met. I need to think about that more and evaluate what exactly my needs are. That may help me realize what I want out of life and start on a new path. So it will be interesting, as it always is. I never know where I am going to go, even when I think I have it all planned out, life trips me up and forces me into surprises, and I do hate surprises. But I guess it’s all a part of becoming comfortable with uncertainty. I can do this, I can get through it, no matter what is thrown at me or where I go. At least I have enough confidence and strength to know that. Ten years from now I’ll look back and realize what a wonderful experience this is. As one person said to me, what a great kind of decision to have to make. As stressful and upsetting as it is, there could be worse decisions to have to make in life, so I am going to be grateful for this one. My mother also told me she feels bad for me because I have so may options, as wonderful as that is, it makes making a decision much harder when you have hundreds of options instead of being forced into a situation. I appreciate the irony in that.

Oh, Personalities

Oh crazy life. It really is amazing how much faster life goes by when you're in school as opposed to a typical 40 hour a week job. That's been my experience at least. The summer was nice and slow, easy going, now life has decided to resume it's usual fast paced speed. I love Florida though. I feel wonderful here. I don't know what it is. The weather is fabulous, I am loving the warmth and not missing snow as much as I thought I would. I heard Colorado got hit and I just snickered to myself. Though I will be sad if it doesn't snow much in New Mexico and I don't get to go skiing, just a side thought. But really, I find it interesting how every now and then I go to a new place and I am just enveloped in a sense of calm. I feel that way in Washington D.C. and Atlanta, two places I instantly felt wonderful the moment I arrived. I don't care how bad the traffic is in Atlanta, I love the city. Beautiful night skyline too. Florida gives me this same feeling.

Although I live in Orlando, I haven't really had the chance to actually see Orlando, go exploring, figure out what's going on, so I don't know if it's so much a city thing as it is just the entire state. Oh, except Miami, Miami is on that list too. I went there and just felt good. It's interesting because I started reading "The Teachings of Don Juan: A Yaqui Way of Knowledge" by Carlos Castaneda and one of the entries talks about how Don Juan made him find his spot on the porch. He rolls around for hours because he doesn't understand how to find his spot. Don Juan tells him it's just a feeling, there's no other way to find it. That just reminded me of my "feelings" in different places. I love feeling that connection to the world around me.

My intuition is so strong and I can't remember a time it was wrong. Though for what ever reason I still fail to allows listen to it and follow what it tells me. Though I think I'm almost at the point where I've had so much negative reinforcement for not following it that I am about ready to try to just do whatever it tells me because what do I have to lose? I guess if I get negative reinforcement that way I'm just fucked. And such is life, right? Oh what a terrible way to think, I take it back but I won't delete it. But yes, I am in a state of happiness again. I am truly enjoying my surroundings and the good is outweighing the bad. I am achieving a nice balance in my life, the stress of school is complimented by the company I keep.

However, I do think I need to be careful. I am afraid I am about to tip the opposite way. I have become less introverted over the last eight months, but I still cannot handle extreme constant social situations. I really find it interesting how people's personalities really do control them so much. It makes you think about free will. I can choose to do something against my personality but then I pay for it internally and eventually that will leak out externally. That goes along with trusting my intuition, I know when I've exerted myself too much and my subconscious is trying to tell me I need some reflective time with myself. That is definitely something I need to pay attention to more. It's hard when you get wrapped up in new things and are surrounded by extroverts. It's an entirely different world, one I almost wish I could be a part of sometimes. But I like being introverted so I would rather live vicariously.

I think Karen and Diana can relate to this. We've all had to offend other people in order to take care of that alone time we instinctively crave. I haven't come across many people that understand that. Even a lot of the other introverts I meet don't seem to quite need it as much as I do. Although this is one of the many things I constantly reflect on about myself in life, it is also one of those things I don't really care if I ever get an answer to. It's not about figuring out why, even though that's always a fun thing to do, I have just accepted that's how I am. I can't change it.

I've had people tell me I can, I just have to get used to it, but in 23 years of life every single time I have over exerted myself in multiple social situations I end up with a massive break down. So I can't say I really care what other people tell me. I have myself figured out a hell of a lot more than most people. Personality traits basically come down to you accept them in other people or you don't. That's one of the best life lessons I've learned so far. If only there were more understanding people in the world. I love how my Psych teacher emphasized you don't have to agree with someone, but it would be nice if you understood them. I would like more people to reflect on that. Maybe I'll make a t-shirt.

Poor Girls

So I just happened to come across this article and it's pretty disgusting if you ask me. It's about young girl's Halloween costumes and if they have gotten too sexy. Simple answer, yes. You wonder why we have such a problem with pedophiles and child pornography and then you realize it is splashed in front of your face constantly in our culture. So many things girl's do to make themselves attractive emphasize the urge in men for younger girls. Men think it's cute when girl's seem ignorant and innocent. The media splashes up women who most of the time look more like girls, less curves, less hair, etc. I would assume the same psychological process that makes girls look at the media and develop self confidence issues would also drive what people are attracted to. When a person is constantly exposed to something that they are told is attractive, it will become attractive to them. Which can be seen in all the different cultures in the world and how different things are considered attractive in women. Long necks, certain piercings or tattoos, styles of clothing, tiny feet, there are thousands of cultural examples. America seems to be way too geared towards sexuality in little girls. I don't know what is wrong with people, especially parents, who seem so blind to this kind of thing. It is not okay to dress your 7 year old child up as a sexy which. Sure, all young girls want to wear sexy clothes, they see it on their older sisters, their idols in movies and music, television, but just because they want to doesn't mean they understand the implications and it does not make it right for the parent to cave in and expose their child. It is teaching your child and other children around them a very poor message. (Disclaimer: I am not going to get opinionated, deal with it :)) Sex is for adults, not 12 year olds in middle school. Sexy costumes are for adult Halloween parties and swinging parties. You show me one well adjusted young girl who starts wearing this shit when she's too young for it and grows up emotionally stable and I'll take it all back and give you twenty bucks. It is just ridiculous, what is the world coming to. Once again I question whether or not I will even attempt to bring children into a world headed in a nasty downward spiral of self destruction and disgust. But! There are happy things in life, and that's what makes it worth it. Just not slutty Halloween costumes for girls ages 7-12. The article is worth a read. *Steps off soap box, gives it back to Karen*

http://www.newsweek.com/id/62474?GT1=10450

My Life is Chaotic Neutral

Haha! A D&D joke for all you junkies out there! ….Anyway, truly, my life seems to be so chaotic as of right now, I know it will change, things will smooth out, but moving has got to be one of the most upsetting life events a person can go through. I’ve had to live for a week now without the majority of my stuff, blank walls (I really really really hate blank walls) no more doggie to keep me company, and ontop of that when Autumn started September 23rd, boy did it mean it, Greeley just said “later summer I think I’ll be chilly all day and cold all night”. Total slap in the face. Not to mention the day after my mother left with my dog it poured all day long. It is things like that in life when you really have to wonder, was that a coincidence or did God just want a good laugh? Oh God, what a sense of humor you have. But yes, now I get to tackle my big move, well first it’s a mini move then it will be a big move across the country. How exciting and terrifying all at once. Saturday marks the first move, into a friends house temporarliy, and then two weeks later the big one. I am running around trying to get everything perfect and organized and ready and I finally realized that that’s impossible. I don’t think it’s possible to make a move and have everything ready to go, you will always end up with those odd things left out that end up thrown into a box or a bag of just miscellaneous junk that just gets thrown in the truck at the last minute and you probably never unpack. But that’s okay, I’ll get over it, one more lesson in life about perfectionism and lack of its existence.

Honestly, considering how chaotic my life seems right now I am actually pretty comfortable about it. I am truly scared to move to a new place where I don’t know anyone and where I’ll be further away from my family than I have ever been in 23 years. But I’m okay with it too. I am excited to leave, start in a new place, continue my education, do what I want to do for myself in life, accomplish my goals. Even though I really don’t like meeting new people I’m excited to meet new people, even though I hate the first day of school, I'm excited to get back into it. It will be an interesting experience. I’ve been reading, thanks to my mother, Confortable with Uncertanty by Pema Chodron. It really has some interesting insightful thoughts about getting used to the uncertainties in life and understanding that they will always be there and that you have to learn to live with them. You don’t have to necessarily like them but just to know that they are there and accept that. So I think that’s helped a lot. I don’t think I’ve had a lot of uncertainty in my life so when a littlest thing is upset it has a huge affect on me. I am learning though, this whole year has been an amazing learning process for me. I’ve come up on some anniversaries of some major changes in my life and I will continue to have more anniversaries for another six months. I’m hoping that the majority of the healing process will be finished as those anniversaries pass and I can continue to move on. But who knows, so much can happen in six months, as I’ve learned. Someone made a comment to me the other day when I said something about “two years, what’s two years”, they said I was thinking like an adult, two years starts to not mean as much anymore, it’s not as long as a time as originally thought. I will still appreciate every day as it goes by, but they will go by so fast.

Now the other challenge is leaving things behind. Friends are really the only thing I'll miss and that is going to be really hard for me. But that's what email and cell phones and trips to Paris are for!!! Not to mention I'm moving to a pretty sweet vacation spot, hint hint. I really can't wait to see what is going to happen in the next year, what a life.

P.S. Once this chaos stops I wouldn't mind going more towards Neutral Good. I love being a nerd.

Read a Book!

Okay, so I haven't posted in awhile and I don't really have anything deep to say right now, been too braindead with life. But this is hilarious, so check it out!

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/video/readabook

Stuff

Hm, so I’ve noticed I’ve neglected my blog more throughout the summer and as it ends (though technically Autumn doesn’t start til September 23rd). I think that has been mainly due to the fact that I’ve been trying to figure and work so much out But I realize how interesting the last five months of my life have been. They have been very significant months for me. I am a little surprised that I can look back over them and see a concrete change in feeling, attitude etc. I don’t think I ever posted this before, but I had a pretty nasty break up beginning of March and things are finally coming to a close with that whole thing. I’ve done wonders in the healing process, and I’m actually pretty proud of myself. There was a definite time when I didn’t think that I would ever be able to heal or get over it, or I just wanted that time to come faster and then I finally had to accept it would take a lot of time and I’d heal when I healed. I do feel like I’ve gotten through the worst of it, and now it’s just trying to fix all the damage it caused in all the little areas it leaked into, which were many. It’s amazing how in one day with one event a person can just snap and wake up after years of being blind with denial. I guess it’s a good thing to remember I am human, as utterly amazing and wonderful as I am I know it can be hard to believe ;).

I always find it interesting as well that sometimes there are that straight line, or break, when you realize a change has occurred, even if there have been events that lead up to it and perhaps you were in the process of it for awhile, but sometimes it feels like it truly was just crossing that line and now it’s done, simple as that. That’s how I feel most recently and that feels good. I like noticeable change, I like coming to conclusions and feeling that definite feeling. I have also changed my perspective from my last post where I was in anxiety mode of all the changes and new things and this week I feel like I can accept to expect the unexpected. Who knows what I’ll feel like tomorrow, but I am in a train of thought were I am more excited than anxious. Things seem to be falling into place. I found an apartment already, I’m getting my finances together to pay for school and living and that seems to be going smoothly, planning the move, which gives me some sort of perceived knowledge and already getting the things packed and sorted through.

I’m going to get rid of more things (which is all they are… things), a practice I’m trying to make a habit out of. I am tired of holding onto material possessions and yet I still have difficulty letting go because of the emotional attachment I have to them. I have just recently started looking into why that is, why I hold such deep emotional attachment to inanimate things that are of no use to me. And I don’t mean just things like memorabilia that most people have attachment to. I am talking about things like clothing I’ve had since high school that I will NEVER wear again, things that I didn’t wear often, that I never even really liked (not like a favorite pair of jeans) and I still have emotional attachment to it because I wore it once… That is just ridiculous. As I thought this yesterday when I went through my closet and hesitated to get rid of one shirt, I said to myself “you sound crazy” and threw the shirt into the give away bag and have now been obsessing over it for a day. But I won’t give in!! It will go to The Arc and I will not keep it!!! This subject always reminds me of George Carlin’s spew about people and their stuff. I will just quote it since it’s better to read his words than try to paraphrase.

“That's all you need in life, a little place for your stuff. That's all your house is: a place to keep your stuff. If you didn't have so much stuff, you wouldn't need a house. You could just walk around all the time. A house is just a pile of stuff with a cover on it. You can see that when you're taking off in an airplane. You look down, you see everybody's got a little pile of stuff. All the little piles of stuff.”

It’s so true! Ugh! Stuff! I am adamant about breaking this awful curse/disease that I have of keeping everything and throwing nothing away. I will be rid of it! I have a little fantasy about a nice cute apartment that is very minimalist in style. Not full of stuff, nicely decorated with just a few simple things to accent my personality. That makes me feel good to think about living in a place like that. I just have to find a way to be okay with letting everything else go. I think the move will be the best thing for me to accomplish that goal. Wish me luck!! (If that doesn’t work then I will just get myself a huge storage place when I’m rich and put all my stuff in that and keep my house nice and simple :D See, there is always an alternative answer!)

I'm never sure what to think about life

So life has gotten increasingly busy, personal things, work, getting ready to go to a new school etc. I was a little shocked to realize I hadn’t posted in almost a month, and if you ask me what I’ve done all July I wouldn’t even be able to tell you because I am still so shocked that July is more than half over and I realize all the things I need to get done still. Though I know I am doing my usual “make everything seem bigger than it really is,” like when I amplify the amount of homework I have, I usually think that two hours of homework is going to take me six and then I give myself an anxiety attack. I just still struggle with the feeling of not knowing what to expect or what is going to happen, I’m really trying to work on letting that go. I think I have improved immensely over the last year, I am not nearly as much of a control freak as I used to be. Though I think I swung to the other end of the spectrum and I am not trying to find my way back to the middle. It’s an interesting feeling not knowing who I am but remembering I liked who I used to be and trying to get back to being that person I once knew. Though I think I’ve realized one cannot move backwards, you have to move forward and let the past stay behind you. I think I’ve been looking back as I walk forward and it’s not getting me anywhere, I need to look straight ahead and welcome what’s in front of me. I have a lot of new experiences coming up and I would like to face them head on. I know I am a strong capable person and I have a lot of faith in what I can accomplish. I guess I just sort of needed to give myself a quick pep talk here. I think the anxiety has been sneaking up on me and surfacing in my dreams without me consciously recognizing it’s upon me. I haven’t exactly been having nightmares, but they are very unpleasant dreams where I am in a crisis situation, usually involving death(s) but I never freak out, but I can always feel everyone else around me going ballistic. It’s a very weird experience and it leaves me waking up with a bad feeling, I don’t really know how to explain it. It feels very contained. I may have to take the time to look into them more and analyze them. But yea, it’s amazing how life continues to prove how it is a never ending circle and cycle of events.

Computer Program Can't Lose at Checkers

This is a neat little article, one more reason to love Canada! I would love to do these kinds of things for a living, figure out random small problems that wont revolutionize the world but may in some small way help something bigger later on. How amusing.

http://apnews.excite.com/article/20070720/D8QG4CD80.html

"Lipstick Legends"

I just love old movie stars so I wanted to share this link. Rita Hayworth is so gorgeous. They just don't make women like they used to.


http://todayspictures.slate.com/20070622/?GT1=10135

Warnings

These are actual warning cartoons that are placed on plastic bags that come with scanners, faxes, printers, etc. These are my captions.

"Do not place plastic bag around baby Timmy's head and let him crawl around, no!"

"Do not place plastic bag around your own head and hold closed tightly around your own throat, suffocation may occur."

However, maybe they leave them caption free with the hopes of natural selection.

Doctors' beliefs can hinder patient care

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/19190916/

This simply infuriates me. It takes a lot for something to really get me emotionally wound up in anger and disgust and this did it. This article is about how some doctors are now refusing health care to individuals, mostly women, if it conflicts with their moral beliefs. Doctors refuse to give out birth control, provide the morning after pill to rape victims and deny abortions all because it’s against their moral beliefs. I’m sorry, but if you decide to be a doctor you damn well know that doing those things will be a part of your job. It is not a doctor’s place to put judgment on people or to deny them the health care they request. I am so sick of these fanatical religious people who take places of power and push their beliefs on other people by refusing to act accordingly to their job title. This goes for politicians too. George W. Bush just vetoed the stem cell research bill, why? Because it’s against his religion, did he care about the almost 70% of America’s who were in favor of it? No. Isn’t a President, a Doctor, supposed to be working for the people? When did these positions of trust and power become so self righteous and selfish that they cannot separate themselves from the duties they promised to provide.

I’m not saying I agree with issues like abortion, and that's my point, I personally would not have an abortion, but my personal morals have nothing to do with the person who sits next to me in class or on the buss, and I refuse to judge. If they want to make that choice it is not anyone’s right to take that choice away from them or to tell them they're wrong. God did not create people to judge other people. Every individual makes their own decisions and choices and they deserve to know their options. I hate that age old argument of trying to save other people with religious beliefs, if a person has any interest in a religion they will find a way to be a part of it, they don’t need to be hammered by people trying to constantly convert, especially with uncalled messages that only provoke fear and often hatred.

A doctor has a job just like everyone else, you go to work and you do your work, you leave your personal life at home and you leave your work at the office. The article mentioned something about how doctors have to be able to go home at night and live with themselves. If a doctor doesn’t believe in birth control or abortion and gives out birth control or abortion because a person requested it, in my opinion, that lays no judgment on the doctor and the doctor shouldn’t make themselves feel bad because of it. If you feel otherwise, don’t be a doctor.

Anyone who condemns a doctor for giving out birth control or performing abortions needs to get a life and focus on positive ways to spend their energy. I will never understand how issues like stopping gay marriage and stem cell research always take precedence over making sure people have food, shelter and good health. I especially think that the two rape cases that are mentioned in this article are an abomination. When will this world stop being so concerned with making everyone else think exactly like them. "It doesn't matter how you get there as long as you all arrive at the same place."

Political Cartoon

hahaha this really makes me laugh, look how angry the Pope looks stuck in his bubble, hahaha.

Jesus Loves A Machine Gun

Wtf.... This is insane. A video game called Left Behind, where you maim and murder and hate, all in God's name. Praise!" Here is the first bit of the article with the link for it following. I had been sent this awhile ago and forgotten about it until I just found it looking through my old emails. The article is by Mark Morford, who I have linked, and of course he is extreme left wing so he gets a bit sarcastic, but still, wtf... I think he has good right to with his. I just don't know what to say.



"Are you a true believer? Do you just know deep down in your black Wal-Mart socks that every word of the Bible is the absolute literal truth and nothing dare be doubted and anyone who thinks that God is merely an ambisexual omniblissful bloom of moist divine nondenominational honeydew melon should be strung up by their small intestine and beaten with sticks sharpened by Mel Gibson's teeth?

Do you feel, furthermore, that human cretins like, say, gays and Jews and Wiccans and all those hippie weirdos with their iPods and low-cut jeans and easy laughter are a plague upon this fine and holy land?


Do you think that contemptible books like "The Da Vinci Code" are not only blasphemy, but that you should probably go out into the street right now and behead a few lambs and perhaps mow down some Taoists with a Gatling gun just to deflect its horrible notions of the sacredness of the feminine divine? You do?

Praise Jesus! Your video game has arrived....."

Go to this link to read the rest and access more links about the game.
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/gate/archive/2006/06/07/notes060706.DTL

Ratiocination

Dictionaries ready? The symbiosis of ratiocination and pure emotion. I think that statement is an oxymoron. Yet as I find more and more I live in a state of contradictions. I feel like a Rembrandt painting. I have high highs and low darks and the transition between them in nearly non existent. But really, I know Karen and I have had many discussions on this topic but it just keeps coming to my attention. We also had an interesting discussion about how guilt gets to us, though it isn’t often we really feel guilty about a certain situation, we end up feeling guilty because we don’t feel guilty. I think another discussion about creative thinking and productive thinking applies nicely to this as well. Just as in this discussion where one has to really think about where to draw the line between what is creative and what is productive how do you make a line between ratiocination and emotions, or intuition.

Back to my statement about high highs and low darks, I realize that made me sound like I’m bi-polar, but I wasn’t talking about it in that instance. I meant more of how I constantly change my mind about things, I can be set on something and then in an hour totally change my mind. That is a very odd characteristic for me since as long as I can remember I’ve always been very firm on my decisions, well thought out and precise and defined and it was very rare they’d change. I’ve also noticed a change in me where I don’t show extreme emotions anymore. I wonder what all this says about myself or my current state of affairs. I wonder if it’s just a stage in life or a new set of beliefs. I guess time will only tell. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; being so constantly aware is rather annoying and brings about frustration, though I’m not entirely sure I’d trade it for ignorance. Emotions can seem to voracious to one’s logical mind, which I think is the problem, how do you validate something that doesn’t seem to make sense, but what in this world makes sense and how do you define sense in the first place? I think my brain has had enough for now.

Political Cartoon

Amen.

"What is Fascism?" George Orwell

Hmmm

http://www.orwell.ru/library/articles/As_I_Please/english/efasc

Shot over chille sauce

What..the...hell....

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/18948833?GT1=9951

I mean, seriously. Who does that?? That is so ridiculous I don't even know what to say. But that last quote at the very end cracks me up every time. Wow... speechless....

Growing up

So I have suddenly come to the realization that I am growing up. Yes, I've known it for a long time, I am 23, I've seen it coming, I've seen it slowly happen, but just lately I have really realized it. The shock of graduating with two degrees still hasn't quite sunken in and I'm really not sure it ever will. I used to think that I could never do grad school, I wanted to be done with school as soon as possible and done for good, but ending things isn't as easy as it seems. I think I could go on to be a student forever; I used to think Karen was just nuts, but now I totally understand what she's doing. There will be no grad school for me, since what I want to do doesn't take a masters, just special training in the field, though I have to admit the thought of getting a masters in psychology crosses my mind more than once a month. But anyway, that was a tangent, point being, I realized that I am growing up, not only realized it but have been acting on it. I recently thanked my mother for everything she has done for me, I know she has always been concerned that she babied me too much since she would break down and do things for me, like filling out my financial aid applications, calling people for me to get things done etc. In high school I used to be afraid to call and order pizza and refused to talk to anyone I didn't know. I freaked out at the sight of big paperwork with questions I didn't want to understand.

My mom told me that people used to get on her case about how she was ruining me by doing things for me and not forcing me to do them myself. But I disagree, I think everyone comes out of their shell at different times and I think she has always made the right choices with me, most people don't understand me, I'm a different kind of kid. With all her help she has made transitions for me much more gradual and in doses I can handle emotionally. I have now gotten to the point where I want to do things on my own, I want to fill out the big scary paperwork, I want to talk to people who can help me with going to school. Sure, I still get freaked out because the big picture can all be so overwhelming, but I don't let the fear take a hold of me and I venture on and just concentrate on the small things one at a time because I know it will all add up in the end and I can get everything done if I apply myself (bit of self talk there). Over the last several years I've learned how to order pizza over the phone, how to call the bank or electric company when they screw something up, take care of my own finances and other responsibilities, and now I have the opportunity to take care of my own school needs.

Moving across the country will be an amazing experience and I do feel like I'm finally ready, or if not quite yet I will be in five months. Emotional preparation is everything to me, once I can get my emotions in order, everything else seems to follow nicely. I do want to be a grown up, I will never lose my child mentality or love and joy of life, probably never lose my gullibility, but that's what makes me fun! But I am ready to hold my own hand and make a stand by myself. I will never stop needing the love and support from my parents and I will always appreciate everything they do for me, but support constantly changes its definition throughout a child's life I think and figuring out the definition is the hard part sometimes if it doesn't come naturally right away or if it is deadened by strict deadlines people give in life. There are no lines in life that make things come to a strict end, everything takes a transition and everything is gradual, sometimes you just have to let the transition go by itself and not try to force it to end just because you set a deadline in your own head. No one has that kind of control. So yes, I am growing up, I feel it, I see it, I know it, I accept it, I am living it.

Mommy and me

Jammin

Daddy and me

Editorial Cartoon May 2007

Haha

What color of crayon are you?

Okay so this is kind of fun. I was inspired when I was asked the question “What color of crayon are you?” Well, there are so many colors of crayons and it changes from day to day or mood to mood. But I had to find out more about the colors of crayons and I found this wonderful site that names all the crayon colors and shows the colors and then when you click on them it gives you the personality traits of the hue, the hue’s facts, the family it belongs to, the year it was introduced, the box it was introduced into and then shares a “Colorful story” about the hue. So I highly encourage you to go to the site (linked at the bottom of this entry), pick a color that is appealing to you, then read all about that color and see how it fits into your life/current mood. The psychology of colors is a fascinating topic indeed, very insightful.

Today for some reason I picked chestnut, here are my results!

Crayola Crayon - chestnut

Personality Traits for this hue: *earthy* *not at all frivolous* *dislikes showiness* *dependable* *comfortable*

Hue Family: Brown
Year Introduced: 1999
Box Introduced Into: Box of 120

Colorful stories:
I love the autumn weather and brown just seems to state that time of year along with oranges, yellows and deep reds, but you only asked for three of my favorites so I had to leave the others out!
Chestnut, a brown above all browns is beautiful and unique, a way to let people know how you feel. Love is inside of chestnut, and I want to be able to share it! This crayon makes it possible!


Haha, hours of amusement, I’m telling you! I wonder what that says about me... I'll keep sharing my color of the day.

http://www.crayola.com/colorcensus/history/current_120_colors.cfm

P.S. Karen, remember when I texted you and said I was "mountain medow" that day? You should read the profile of mountain medow and then read the text I sent you, I thought it was funny how it reflected the personality traits of that color haha, I love this stuff!

No penny's for this thought

I sit here wondering, pondering, everything that is going on in my life right now. I can see a noticeable change in myself over the last eight months. It’s a drastic, scary, incomprehensible change. I feel like everything I’ve known has come crashing down, all the walls are falling over as I realize not everything I believe is real, or what I thought I believed. That there are some things in life that I’ve held on strong to that just don’t exist, or I’ve reshaped and created into something that I’ve held true but was a fathom of the truth. I found an old diary/journal of mine from 8th/9th grade. I don’t even remember ever keeping a diary or journal. I sat down and read the few pages that were in there and I was opened up to a world I had completely forgotten. Certain memories I’ve gone over in my own head so many times they’ve become more like fantasies than realities. I don’t know how my perspective of my past became so skewed.

But it’s something else that has made me realize that things may not be what they appear, that if your intuition tells you differently than your head, than your intuition is probably right. I’ve done things I never thought I’d do because I felt like they would be too terrible and I found out nothing bad happened, and I was confused. I almost feel like you don’t really know what’s real until you’ve experienced it. It’s odd, I don’t even know how to express myself, which usually isn’t a problem for me at all. I guess this is part of life, part of growing up. I am finally reaching stages that I knew most people reached but never thought I would, like packing up the old stuffed animals and “growing up” some more.

I know I am an extremely aware person, but I do wonder if other people notice these stages when they happen or if they just go through life living and changing and never stop to notice until they look back and reflect and say “oh yea, I went through that.” Sometimes I wish I was that way. Sometimes I wish I didn’t notice things as much and I could just silently walk through life and experience things and not over think and question everything. But alluding to Karen’s blog about not feeling things, what would that make life like, bland? I guess I’d rather have a little spice, especially if that means I can at least experience the good along with the bad. No wonder I continue to put myself out there, no matter my fears, I keep going and I keep being disappointed, but I know that can’t last forever and how will I ever find that good if I don’t go searching. Keep the hope alive I suppose. Keep the hope alive.

A Society of Fear

"Protect yourself and your identity!

This one is definitely worth passing along! Please take the time to watch.

This is a 3 1/2 minute video produced by the Broward
County, FL Sheriff's Office. Identity thieves are at it again, this
time targeting people at gas stations. This sort of crime never
occurred to me, especially since many of us never leave the side of our
car when pumping gas anymore. That has apparently not improved our
safety, especially for women who carry purses--- The footage of the
actual crime being committed is shocking in how easy it is to pull off.
Please take heed and pass it along to friends, families and coworkers."

http://www.sheriff.org/videos/psa_cartheft.html


I got this link in this email warning people to be more cautious because there is a new trend of theft going on at gas stations where the thief pulls up alongside a car and opens the passenger, takes a purse off the passenger seat and drives away. So it shows two of these incidents caught on tape and then gives you tips on how to better prepare yourself to avoid this situation. As I was watching it, it reminded me of all those other safety videos that have been produced and how it seems more and more continue to come out as more dangerous situations are created. They always show you what to do to protect yourself, lock your doors, secure your purse, make sure to take your keys out of your car, always be aware of your surroundings (all these things beautifully acted out by an actor/actress showing you exactly how to do them).

Watching this made me realize how much we have turned into a society of fear. All the extra precautions we take to keep ourselves safe, protected. You see it everywhere in society. I notice the changes when I hear my parents and my grandparents say the cliché "In my day" phrase that ends in how they used to be able to walk to school for three miles without fear of being kidnapped, or how my mother would walk to the grocery store all by herself to buy her mother milk when she was six. I even start to see it in myself when I think to myself how when I was little I rode my bike to the park six blocks away or to the nearest elementary school to play on the playground by myself or with a friend. No one ever bothered me, I never feared for my safety. I was instructed not to talk to strangers or take things from strangers or give out my information, but I never felt the fear. But fear is such a dangerous reaction and it seems to be so innate. Someone walks in and says "My car was just broken into in such and such parking lot" and everyone who parks there has an initial reaction of fear "Oh, I hope my car is okay" and for the next few days many of those people will be extra cautious about what they leave on their seats and be thinking about whether or not when they go back to their car later in the day if the window will be in a million pieces.

The same tactic works on the masses as well, which is especially prevalent in politics. How fearful we have become of terrorism and how much the government has played on the fears of its people to gain support without thought. "If we don't invade Iraq they are going to help the terrorists and come destroy America." This seems to be the message we've been fed for so many years now in one way or another. It all goes back to our personal safety as a country and it is amazing the reactions that occur when mass fear is produced. Basic instincts of survival kick in and rational thought ceases to exist. This may have worked well for human kind in the beginning, but it doesn’t seem to be serving us well as of late. I saw the Dalai Lama speak last fall and I remember something he said when asked about war. He said war used to be necessary, it was a way to establish boundaries and power in order to establish societies and civilizations. He said that in the world we live in today where all the boundaries have been set and people, for the most part, are not trying to conquer each other, war is now out of fashion. There is no need to fight. If only we could convince everyone of this. I just think that living in fear is too dangerous, it consumes people, it provokes anger and hatred and stifles life. I think there is so much to learn from each other in this world. I would just love to immerse myself in the many different cultures of this world and soak up as much as possible. The more I learn about other people and their ways of life the richer I feel. I wish everyone could experience the joy I do when I learn about new things. It scares me to see how we live in a society of fear, how ironic is that. But I realize the difference is I make a conscious choice not to let fear guide my choices in life.

Scientific Brain Wave Reading Toys?

So here is the article about the new toy they are trying to produce that reads brain waves that I promised I'd post.

http://apnews.excite.com/article/20070430/D8OQTFP00.html

I am still not quite sure what to think about this one. I think it's very interesting and I am amazed at how Back to the Future seems to become more real every day. I remember watching that movie as a kid and being amazed that people could create all those things and suddenly here we are, on our merry way to doing so. Anyway, so the article talks about using this as a tool to help behavior disordered children. That's interesting. I'm not truly convinced that putting a brain wave reading toy on a kids head and telling him he has to calm down in order to make the car go faster will work. It just kind of seems to me that if a kid has attention problems having him sit in front of the TV and try to concentrate on a game will not improve much, most likely the child will get frustrated or lose the attention and give up on the game and move on to something else, that's sort of the problem in the first place, no attention span. If they can't stay engaged in regular activities why would they want to try extra hard at playing a video game that actually requires you to think? Now, I personally think playing a game like that would be fun, it's very relative to mindfulness. I know there is already a computer game out there, I don't remember the name of it, that you hook up to your finger and it reads your pulse or something like that and you have to do activities by controlling your thoughts and feelings. You make balls rise into the air by maintaining a state of pure calm, or you have to start a fire by becoming more excited. It was very interesting to play and took an immense amount of concentration, something I don't think would go over well with many people who are not willing to become focused. It can be very frustrating when you feel like you're as calm as can be and the stupid ball won't go into the air. I have a relatively good attention span and I can only stand trying to do something like that for so long, I couldn't imagine someone with attention deficit disorder liking or even wanting to play a game like that. The other uses of the device are interesting too though, such as the part about training for sports. I think that could be an excellent tool for that. I do think it's interesting though, because the entire point of the invention, it seems, is the exact point of what Zen Buddhists are doing with their meditation practices. Leave it to western life to have to technify it. As a culture we seem too absorbed in this technology thing. I wonder when we will start to go back in the other direction and get back into natural life. It always seems like that is the general trend of everything in life. The world seems to go from one extreme to the next, obviously very slowly. I am just waiting for America to fall on its ass. But that's another story. However, in the end, and I think this is what it comes down to, if there was a Darth Vadar costume with a thingie in it that would allow me to use my mind to light up a light saber, I am so there. Who could pass up a light saber that lights up on your command??? That is pure genius. From the Wii to brain active toys. What ever could be next.

Perfection rears its ugly head

"An impatient spirit can be a veil to hide the reality of what we are. It is often manifested to indicate importance or busyness. It frequently appears as a mark of zeal or dedication. But to be easily irritated, to frown readily, or reply sharply is a form of pride usually used to cover insecurity or a deep sense of inferiority. A self-justifying habit reveals something similar. Those people who can't stand to be misunderstood but are forever explaining their actions are really saying, "I want you to think I'm perfect. Of course, I know that the present situation does not let me appear so, but if you will just let me explain..."


Okay, so we all know I am a perfectionist and an overachiever. Or maybe you don't know, and if you didn't now you do. My friend shared this quote with me and I thought it was interesting. I actually had to read it two or three times there is so much meaning in it. It hit home with me though and it is something I have become increasingly aware of and have been working on to improve. The second half especially made me realize, about the people who can't stand to be misunderstood are always trying to explain there actions. That is me in a nutshell. I absolutely hate being misunderstood, or I used to absolutely hate it, now I am starting to accept it. I have just always wanted people to understand where I am coming from, what I am thinking, why I am thinking in such ways. So when I do something that in my perception is of a not so perfect nature I automatically begin to explain myself to people and tend to tense up and freak out a bit. I get anxious and over bearing trying to explain how this one imperfection truly isn’t an imperfection because I have a wonderful explanation for why I did it. How silly it seems to say it out loud like that, but that is what it is. I love the last sentence "I want you to think I'm perfect. Of course, I know that the present situation does not let me appear so, but if you will just let me explain...". How wonderfully said. That is my inner dialogue on so many occasions, when I really wish instead I could just let go and allow myself to not be perfect or to change my perception on what is perfect and see a mistake as an experience, a learning process and not feel like it matters if everyone is judging me, because only my own judgments should matter and in essence I should not be judging myself. So why I wonder, do I always feel the need to explain myself? I know it is a lack of confidence, that sometimes I have a hard time being that person who says or does something and says "I said it, I did it, get used to it" (That was for you Diana). But seriously, be able to stand next to all my decisions, the good ones and the bad. To be able to recognize the "bad" ones and be okay with them. Maybe not that I did them if they were 'wrong' (I hate using right and wrong) but at least accept that that was my decision and move forward and learn from it.

I almost start to think that no one can ever really know what is right or wrong until they experience it themselves. I never really have thought of myself as someone who has to experience things for myself to understand them. I am such a naturally empathetic person, I can feel other's pain I can imagine being in their situations and know the heartache. I can imagine what physical pain would feel like, but I don't really know. I have enough sense to say "I don't want to shoot myself in the foot that would hurt" and I can start to imagine what that would feel like and I can get to the point where my foot will begin to hurt, but I can't say I really know what it feels like until it happens. As much as I have experienced in my life, I have experienced more through others, watching, understanding, feeling, and I have realized how much I haven't truly experienced myself. Suddenly I want to experience things, both the good and the bad. I have been so scared to put myself out there and experience bad things that I think I may have missed out on the good. Feeling comfortable in life is a ruse. It is a false sense of security. It is almost a neutral feeling or a numbness. I always argue with people about how a person can't gage a feeling without knowing it's opposite. I feel that the more sadness you've felt the more happiness you can feel. For how does anyone know what happiness is if they don't know what it is to be sad? The extremes balance each other out, the further one side of the line goes away from the middle point, the further it allows the other side to grow. I see it as a mathematical line with the center at 0 and the negatives and the positives going in opposite directions. Everybody's line is a different length, but I feel they are always equal. Even if a person is lost in a depression that makes the negative side of their line grow long, they have opened up the opportunity to experience a higher state of happiness because as the negative side grows so does the positive always in equal distance from their originating point. I think the same goes the other way, the happier a person feels in life and the longer the positive side grows the negative side continues with it, giving them the opportunity to experience a greater sadness. I see this in all feelings in life, all opposites sit on this line for me. But of course, maybe that is why I have such a problem with extremes.

Oh all the connections start to make my brain hurt! Not to mention, how does one really measure those emotions? It's all subjective and it‘s all about perspective. Some people may be perfectly satisfied with their lines only going to -5 and 5, while others may feel like they've reached -100 and 100, while others probably don‘t even think about lines or measurements or anything else and just walk along singing their happy or unhappy little tunes. Who knows?! I know that I feel like my lines are very short because I have stayed in my comfort zone too long and I want to lengthen those lines and experience more. For the first time I am almost excited to experience the bad because I know it will make the good that much better. I think I am finally coming to accept the bad things in life, where before I always lived my life trying to avoid those things because I didn't want to experience them, I was happier not knowing because I felt like I had such a good idea. Ideas are great and let you understand a bit of life but experiences let you live life and nothing teaches more understanding than living it. So the next time I jump to feeling like I have to explain myself in certain situations, I think I will stop myself and allow whatever happens to happen. Sometimes just doing what I do is a good enough justification.

"You make yourself perfect. Whatever you define as perfect is perfect. If you define perfect as yourself then you are perfect. Don’t define perfect using a definition from an external source; you can never achieve perfection by using someone else’s perception."

Science's New Take on Death

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/18368186/site/newsweek?GT1=9951

I think this article is extremely intriguing. I always sort of wondered about something like this because you can save organs and donate organs that will work in other people's bodies. The cells aren't dead, so what makes someone dead? Now, I am no doctor and I usually have quite a distaste for science, so I won't even pretend I know what I'm talking about, but it was always just a curious thought on my mind. Death is such an interesting topic, as is life. We have such extreme arguments for when life truly starts with issues like abortion, I'm surprised we don't have more arguments about death. I think people tend to think death is more of something we do not have control over, even though saving lives is a daily phenomenon and something people innately try to do in one way or another, by that I mean if you are a doctor and saving a life or if you are a random person who witnesses someone in danger and tries to help. I think it is interesting how humans have an instinct to stay alive, but we also have the instinct to save others. I think most people would risk their own lives to save another in need without thinking of themselves, though there is that theory, every man for himself. I wonder then, is that more of a conditioned action or a natural one? Does it come from personality or the way in which someone was raised? And that of course all goes back to nurture vs. nature, one of my absolutely favorite debates. I know that I would automatically risk my life for someone else. But I wonder, are there people out there who are too selfish, or scared, or whatever it may be that they would let another person die when there may be something they could do to help? And then it makes me think about times of mass crisis, like war, and terrorism. What about places who are stricken with constant violence, where you can't even go to the market place without hearing gun shots. Do those people who live in constant terror and violence give a second thought to saving other people or have they been conditioned to accept death surrounding them and have been forced to just pray it doesn't happen to them and their families. These are things I would love to actually be able to research but instead will probably only get to theorize. Anyway, I strayed away from the initial article, but do read it, it isn't very long, I'd be interested to hear what other people may have to say.

Control vs. Power

So I had an interesting realization. I have always struggled with being a control freak and trying to control everything around me so that I could feel safer and feel like I knew what was happening. I have such a terrible fear of the unknown and I have had such a hard time accepting that I really can’t control anything but myself; my actions and reactions. But as I have continuously pondered why I get so uneasy when I feel like I have no control, because I do understand that I really can’t control anything, so why does it still create anxiety in me? I realized that I associate control with power. When I have no control I feel like I have no power and those are two very different things. Control is an illusion, something people want and sometimes feel like they need. Control can almost be attributed to the way males want to dominate, one can use force to control, violence, fear, a sly tongue. But power has nothing to do with control. A person can be completely out of control and still have power. I think this is seen in many archetypes that rise above evil and prevail because they have true power while the evil character only has control.

Lets be generic and use Star Wars as an example here because Star Wars is the epitome of archetypes. You have the Emperor who has an immense amount of control, control of the dark side, control of Darth Vader. But both Luke and Darth Vader, eventually, realize their own power and use it to rise above; Darth Vader defies the Emperor and kills him instead of his son. The power within is such a powerful thing. I know the feeling of that kind of power when I get the courage to do things I would not usually do, say things and not care about what other people are thinking. When you let other people’s thoughts matter in such a way they affect how you think about yourself, you are giving your power away. When self esteem drops and you feel like your own thoughts and feelings are stupid you are giving your power away. I think everyone does it at one time or another, I know I do, we just aren’t always aware of it. And as so many people know, awareness is the key in life. Ignorance is bliss, but awareness is like nothing else, it is a way to truly strengthen one’s mind and soul. So my goal in life is to always be aware. Unfortunately this often causes over thinking and analyzing, but I am working on that also.

But yes, I think power is a positive energy while control is a negative one. That is how I can tell the difference between the two, control or perceived lack of control creates anxiety whereas power creates comfort and strength. It’s remembering to find that inner power that is hard when I am so caught up in feeling like I’ve lost total control. But I think now that I am aware of it and constantly searching for it, it will eventually come easier to me. Like all things in life, it takes practice, mental practice is one of the hardest things to do I think but it is so rewarding in the end. Mindfulness. I fully embrace it and want to continue to learn how to live it.

Letting it flow

I find it hard at this age and state in my life to let things flow. I constantly find myself wanting to grab on tight and hold onto things. Someone gave me a good visual, about how this part of my life should be like floating down a river, where you are constantly moving and you grab onto certain things and let them go and take some things with you as you go along, but you have to let yourself go and flow down the river before you can reach the lake, ocean, whatever big body of water lays ahead. Right now I feel like I am at the raging rapids and I’m trying to hold onto anything and everything for dear life. But what I think I need to understand is I won’t drown if I just let myself go, sometimes it is just better to let go of everything and let yourself be taken away with the current. Holding onto something and keeping myself stuck in the rapids will mean that I will never get out of them, where as if I just let go I can move past them and there are always calm waters after the waterfall. Such a good metaphor I think, it really resonates with me. It’s not an easy thing to do by any means but I know that it would feel better and it is worth the rough trip to get through those raging waters to the calm ones. It seems I have this inward fear that if I let things go they will completely disappear and so I constantly hold onto things and won’t let them go. But something someone said to me recently gave me a better perspective on that. She said, if you hold onto things too tightly you will strangle them, and if you let them go and they don’t come back they aren’t meant to be a part of you, and if you let them go and they do come back then they have resurfaced with a renewed freedom. Which to me means that those thoughts/feelings that come back will come back with a clearer perspective, recycled through the subconscious and now fresh and clean and in a much better place to handle. Sometimes the more you try to understand something the less it makes sense, but if you are able to let it go you have a better chance of understanding it better later. And I think that is something I just have to trust: that by letting go doesn’t mean I have given up, just that I am not in a place to fully understand yet and that place will come eventually. Patience. I am trying to learn Patience. Patience, Faith, Acceptance. Those are things that take continuous work and awareness. But when they are a part of my life I realize I am a much happier person, and that is what is important.

I <3 Indiana

Okay, so here is a great article, not only is the story something else, but just how they wrote the article is rather amusing. I took the liberty of bolding my favorite parts. The original article can be found at http://cbs2.com/topstories/topstories_story_110210958.html. Enjoy!

Girl Attacks Classmate With Medieval Weapon

(CBS) GARY, Ind. A fight at an Indiana high school turned into a medieval attack when a freshman girl hit another student and tried to hit a teacher with an uncommon weapon.

Gary police say the girl still has not said how she got the medieval weapon, which weighs about six pounds. The freshman, who has been charged with battery, told police she brought the weapon to school because she was tired of being picked on.

"She was aiming for my face,” said Shanique Ballard, the target of the attack.

Ballard said she bumped into one of the freshman's friends in the hallway at Lew Wallace High School, and an argument started. Ballard said that's when the young girl pulled out a flail – a sharp, spiked metal ball attached to a handle by a chain or short stick – and started swinging.

"She swung it quick but I just jumped back real quick, 'cause it was long and I had to keep runnin' back,” Ballard said. “I was running back as she was comin' to me."

Ballard said her friend's hand got cut when she tried to get between her and the freshman. She added that the girl also swung the metal club at a teacher.

“It’s heavy, and it’s metal, and it’s sharp,” Detective Sgt. Darlene Breitenstein said after delivering the girl to the Lake County (Ind.) Juvenile Justice Center, where she is being held on battery charges.

“I took the weapon to the detention center for the judge to see,” said Breitenstein.

"That type of weapon would surprise anyone,” said Lt. Samuel Roberts of the Gary Police Department. “It's not the typical weapon that you may find at a school."

School officials told police a fight broke out in a hallway as students changed classes at third hour. The freshman told Breitenstein she took the flail to school because she needed protection.

Charmella Greer of the Gary Community School Corp. said disciplinary action will be taken.

In a statement, the school's superintendent said the teen entered Lew Wallace using an unauthorized side door to avoid the main entrance where metal detectors and cameras are located. The statement does not say why a security officer is not stationed at that door. The superintendent also said a teacher was never attacked, she just tried to intervene.

One parent CBS 2 spoke to Friday afternoon said he was surprised too. He said he was never notified by phone or letter about the attack. He also says he's concerned the heavy object made it past metal detectors inside the school.

"Any time something like that happens, you know, I believe all parents should be contacted, so something needs to be done about it, definitely,” said parent Raymond Spencer.

(© 2007 CBS Broadcasting Inc. All Rights Reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed. The Associated Press contributed to this report. )

Hmmm

So yea, apparently I’m pretty bad about keeping up on these things. It’s hard to find things to write about sometimes, especially when the personal life gets crazy. I refuse to turn this into a myspace blog letting the world know about all my problems. Instead, here’s something to ponder. I’m not really sure about how people can truly believe what they say, how they formulate opinions that are often so hypocritical. I think we all tend to do it now and again, but really, sometimes it just astonishes me. What I’m really thinking about as I say this is the current shootings in Virginia and the past shootings across the country. (I’d think about other shootings in other countries but it seems that American media really doesn’t think other countries are all that important unless we bomb them so until I get back into the habit of reading other countries news American news will have to suffice). You get these kids, adults, people who have so much pain in their lives and start to rebel. And granted I know in a few of these cases these people are mentally ill, but other people who are not begin to think they understand what these people are saying and think they have good points, I disagree.

You start to hear about, and I am paraphrasing, how if only people were nicer than these things wouldn’t happen. How it is the victims’ own fault for mistreating others, teasing, taunting, pushing them too far. Usually they focus on some aspect of their victims’ lives that they don’t have, money and faith being two big trends it seems. They then proceed to spew nonsense about how they are martyrs and they are doing this for the people who have suffered like they have and basically what they are trying to say is “I’m teaching you all a lesson so that people stop treating others like this.” Now, does anyone else see a flaw in that theory? Can you righteously claim that you are supporting humanity and the people who are “just like you” who get teased and picked on relentlessly by murdering other people who most the time aren’t even the ones who did the taunting in the first place? There are greater and much less violent ways to serve humanity. Not to mention it doesn’t really seem to be teaching anyone any lesson. After about a week the teasing starts again, the relentless verbal and sometimes physical abuse children dish out to each other is an ongoing event that won’t be stopped by murder. Now most the time it seems that the people who come up with these theories are deranged, but that doesn’t seem to stop the other kids who listen and watch this nonsense start up a following in their thinking. I just think it is so interesting how people react so quickly and are so willing to follow blindly. The problem in this country especially is we have forgotten how to teach our children to think. Thinking is the key no matter what the situation. It is dangerous to act like sheep, though I doubt it will ever stop, and that is what gives rise to terrible power. I am curious to see where events like this will take us. What will be the changes made in the future? Will there be any changes or as a society are we willing to mourn but keep our eyes shut and look the other way. I think ten years from now will be an interesting time, which path will the world take. I hope to find out.

Ode to Karen

Okay Karen, you inspired me. And now that I have no cable, not that I'm much of a TV watcher anyway, I think I'm going to need to find something else to do to entertain myself. And since talking to one's self is entirely entertaining I figured I'd try this and see how it works. So like you said Karen, joining the 21st century, shudder. But as of tonight I can't think of much to say, so maybe tomorrow I'll think of something grand. Judy Garland was grand. So many of those grand people have so many problems though, sometimes I feel left out. It's enough to make one want to start popping pills, kidding. As Marilyn sits staring at me (she is on my wall behind my computer) I wonder what it was she saw when she looked at herself. I've been listening to 104.7 a lot lately, they play a lot of 50s and such, I love it. It is so nice to hear songs about true love instead of how depressed someone is because the girl/guy dumped them and blah blah blah. Why does it seem this world has turned so negative sometimes? Why can't we all just listen to a little Frank, have faith and be happy with ourselves. I think it's better to focus on the positive in life, it will bring more joy and things that are desired. Well that is my thought for tonight, enjoy!