No penny's for this thought

I sit here wondering, pondering, everything that is going on in my life right now. I can see a noticeable change in myself over the last eight months. It’s a drastic, scary, incomprehensible change. I feel like everything I’ve known has come crashing down, all the walls are falling over as I realize not everything I believe is real, or what I thought I believed. That there are some things in life that I’ve held on strong to that just don’t exist, or I’ve reshaped and created into something that I’ve held true but was a fathom of the truth. I found an old diary/journal of mine from 8th/9th grade. I don’t even remember ever keeping a diary or journal. I sat down and read the few pages that were in there and I was opened up to a world I had completely forgotten. Certain memories I’ve gone over in my own head so many times they’ve become more like fantasies than realities. I don’t know how my perspective of my past became so skewed.

But it’s something else that has made me realize that things may not be what they appear, that if your intuition tells you differently than your head, than your intuition is probably right. I’ve done things I never thought I’d do because I felt like they would be too terrible and I found out nothing bad happened, and I was confused. I almost feel like you don’t really know what’s real until you’ve experienced it. It’s odd, I don’t even know how to express myself, which usually isn’t a problem for me at all. I guess this is part of life, part of growing up. I am finally reaching stages that I knew most people reached but never thought I would, like packing up the old stuffed animals and “growing up” some more.

I know I am an extremely aware person, but I do wonder if other people notice these stages when they happen or if they just go through life living and changing and never stop to notice until they look back and reflect and say “oh yea, I went through that.” Sometimes I wish I was that way. Sometimes I wish I didn’t notice things as much and I could just silently walk through life and experience things and not over think and question everything. But alluding to Karen’s blog about not feeling things, what would that make life like, bland? I guess I’d rather have a little spice, especially if that means I can at least experience the good along with the bad. No wonder I continue to put myself out there, no matter my fears, I keep going and I keep being disappointed, but I know that can’t last forever and how will I ever find that good if I don’t go searching. Keep the hope alive I suppose. Keep the hope alive.