Growing up

So I have suddenly come to the realization that I am growing up. Yes, I've known it for a long time, I am 23, I've seen it coming, I've seen it slowly happen, but just lately I have really realized it. The shock of graduating with two degrees still hasn't quite sunken in and I'm really not sure it ever will. I used to think that I could never do grad school, I wanted to be done with school as soon as possible and done for good, but ending things isn't as easy as it seems. I think I could go on to be a student forever; I used to think Karen was just nuts, but now I totally understand what she's doing. There will be no grad school for me, since what I want to do doesn't take a masters, just special training in the field, though I have to admit the thought of getting a masters in psychology crosses my mind more than once a month. But anyway, that was a tangent, point being, I realized that I am growing up, not only realized it but have been acting on it. I recently thanked my mother for everything she has done for me, I know she has always been concerned that she babied me too much since she would break down and do things for me, like filling out my financial aid applications, calling people for me to get things done etc. In high school I used to be afraid to call and order pizza and refused to talk to anyone I didn't know. I freaked out at the sight of big paperwork with questions I didn't want to understand.

My mom told me that people used to get on her case about how she was ruining me by doing things for me and not forcing me to do them myself. But I disagree, I think everyone comes out of their shell at different times and I think she has always made the right choices with me, most people don't understand me, I'm a different kind of kid. With all her help she has made transitions for me much more gradual and in doses I can handle emotionally. I have now gotten to the point where I want to do things on my own, I want to fill out the big scary paperwork, I want to talk to people who can help me with going to school. Sure, I still get freaked out because the big picture can all be so overwhelming, but I don't let the fear take a hold of me and I venture on and just concentrate on the small things one at a time because I know it will all add up in the end and I can get everything done if I apply myself (bit of self talk there). Over the last several years I've learned how to order pizza over the phone, how to call the bank or electric company when they screw something up, take care of my own finances and other responsibilities, and now I have the opportunity to take care of my own school needs.

Moving across the country will be an amazing experience and I do feel like I'm finally ready, or if not quite yet I will be in five months. Emotional preparation is everything to me, once I can get my emotions in order, everything else seems to follow nicely. I do want to be a grown up, I will never lose my child mentality or love and joy of life, probably never lose my gullibility, but that's what makes me fun! But I am ready to hold my own hand and make a stand by myself. I will never stop needing the love and support from my parents and I will always appreciate everything they do for me, but support constantly changes its definition throughout a child's life I think and figuring out the definition is the hard part sometimes if it doesn't come naturally right away or if it is deadened by strict deadlines people give in life. There are no lines in life that make things come to a strict end, everything takes a transition and everything is gradual, sometimes you just have to let the transition go by itself and not try to force it to end just because you set a deadline in your own head. No one has that kind of control. So yes, I am growing up, I feel it, I see it, I know it, I accept it, I am living it.

Mommy and me

Jammin

Daddy and me