Oh, Life

Reevaluation time! Yaayyy! Actually probably one of the most stressful things that a person can go through; reevaluating and reassessing your life and what you are doing with it and why. So here I am all moved across the country in sunny Florida finally going to a school that will help me accomplish a life goal I’ve had for years and then, bam! Suddenly I don’t know why I’m doing what I’m doing anymore or if I even want to be doing it now or for the rest of my life. These times are so fun. The school here is crazy, they have insane scheduling that has caused me to get no where near enough sleep and take care of myself, I have absolutely no me time whatsoever, which I don’t think is very healthy, and I am not even sure I am enjoying it. But the other problem is, I’m not sure I’m not enjoying it. I have been going back and forth for two weeks now trying to figure this whole ordeal out.

I am at a point where I am trying not to think about it as much. I have figured out that I don’t have enough information to make a good decision. I am going to come back from this short two week break and continue to go to school for at least another month. I also plan to talk to a few of my teachers and my director to get a better feel for what a career in this industry would really be like and if it’s truly a good fit for me. That is some of the best advice that has been given to me. Think about whether or not this is a good fit for who I am. I have gotten to know myself pretty damn well in the last year or so, better than I did before anyway, which I guess is normal. But yea, I do think I have a good enough grasp on myself to decide if something is a good fit. I don’t think this school is a good fit for me, but if it’s the career I really want and the industry is a good fit, I might be able to struggle through 21 months of hell. So I just have to decide if it’s worth it or not. As my mother says, is there a carrot at the end of the stick or is it empty? I am afraid I’m at a point in my life where I really don’t know what I want anymore and I just need some time to decide.

My yearning for psychology has increased over the last several months and was inspired again by the Ethics and Psychology class I took here. I miss my all my psychology grad friends and our discussions and hearing about what they were learning, it was all so interesting to me. It still interests me. I have at least made a few minor decisions, I am going to stay in Florida no matter what. I really enjoy it here, it makes me happy to be here. I’ve made some amazing friends here already and it would break my heart to leave them now. It’s amazing how close you can get to people when you’re with them practically 24 hours a day in an intense situation. I have begun to look into grad programs however, just to start to look at my options. If that is a path I decide to take it will be a year and a half until I start that adventure. So if I decide not to stick with the program I’m in, it looks like I may have to venture out into the scary world of real work. Yikes, I haven’t looked into that much yet, though I should, just so I have a good feel for all my options. It is truly a scary thought to have to support yourself. I would really love to just be a professional student and go to school forever, but I haven’t won the lottery yet, so that is probably not a good plan for me to follow right now.

So yes, I don’t know, I am in a state of confusion. I don’t know how long it will last. Though I do have hope that I will figure things out and everything will work out how it’s supposed to. I am trying to listen to my instinct and do what feels right for me. I just want to be happy in life and find a place that really fits me and my needs. Right now I don’t think all my needs are being met. I need to think about that more and evaluate what exactly my needs are. That may help me realize what I want out of life and start on a new path. So it will be interesting, as it always is. I never know where I am going to go, even when I think I have it all planned out, life trips me up and forces me into surprises, and I do hate surprises. But I guess it’s all a part of becoming comfortable with uncertainty. I can do this, I can get through it, no matter what is thrown at me or where I go. At least I have enough confidence and strength to know that. Ten years from now I’ll look back and realize what a wonderful experience this is. As one person said to me, what a great kind of decision to have to make. As stressful and upsetting as it is, there could be worse decisions to have to make in life, so I am going to be grateful for this one. My mother also told me she feels bad for me because I have so may options, as wonderful as that is, it makes making a decision much harder when you have hundreds of options instead of being forced into a situation. I appreciate the irony in that.