Control vs. Power

So I had an interesting realization. I have always struggled with being a control freak and trying to control everything around me so that I could feel safer and feel like I knew what was happening. I have such a terrible fear of the unknown and I have had such a hard time accepting that I really can’t control anything but myself; my actions and reactions. But as I have continuously pondered why I get so uneasy when I feel like I have no control, because I do understand that I really can’t control anything, so why does it still create anxiety in me? I realized that I associate control with power. When I have no control I feel like I have no power and those are two very different things. Control is an illusion, something people want and sometimes feel like they need. Control can almost be attributed to the way males want to dominate, one can use force to control, violence, fear, a sly tongue. But power has nothing to do with control. A person can be completely out of control and still have power. I think this is seen in many archetypes that rise above evil and prevail because they have true power while the evil character only has control.

Lets be generic and use Star Wars as an example here because Star Wars is the epitome of archetypes. You have the Emperor who has an immense amount of control, control of the dark side, control of Darth Vader. But both Luke and Darth Vader, eventually, realize their own power and use it to rise above; Darth Vader defies the Emperor and kills him instead of his son. The power within is such a powerful thing. I know the feeling of that kind of power when I get the courage to do things I would not usually do, say things and not care about what other people are thinking. When you let other people’s thoughts matter in such a way they affect how you think about yourself, you are giving your power away. When self esteem drops and you feel like your own thoughts and feelings are stupid you are giving your power away. I think everyone does it at one time or another, I know I do, we just aren’t always aware of it. And as so many people know, awareness is the key in life. Ignorance is bliss, but awareness is like nothing else, it is a way to truly strengthen one’s mind and soul. So my goal in life is to always be aware. Unfortunately this often causes over thinking and analyzing, but I am working on that also.

But yes, I think power is a positive energy while control is a negative one. That is how I can tell the difference between the two, control or perceived lack of control creates anxiety whereas power creates comfort and strength. It’s remembering to find that inner power that is hard when I am so caught up in feeling like I’ve lost total control. But I think now that I am aware of it and constantly searching for it, it will eventually come easier to me. Like all things in life, it takes practice, mental practice is one of the hardest things to do I think but it is so rewarding in the end. Mindfulness. I fully embrace it and want to continue to learn how to live it.

Letting it flow

I find it hard at this age and state in my life to let things flow. I constantly find myself wanting to grab on tight and hold onto things. Someone gave me a good visual, about how this part of my life should be like floating down a river, where you are constantly moving and you grab onto certain things and let them go and take some things with you as you go along, but you have to let yourself go and flow down the river before you can reach the lake, ocean, whatever big body of water lays ahead. Right now I feel like I am at the raging rapids and I’m trying to hold onto anything and everything for dear life. But what I think I need to understand is I won’t drown if I just let myself go, sometimes it is just better to let go of everything and let yourself be taken away with the current. Holding onto something and keeping myself stuck in the rapids will mean that I will never get out of them, where as if I just let go I can move past them and there are always calm waters after the waterfall. Such a good metaphor I think, it really resonates with me. It’s not an easy thing to do by any means but I know that it would feel better and it is worth the rough trip to get through those raging waters to the calm ones. It seems I have this inward fear that if I let things go they will completely disappear and so I constantly hold onto things and won’t let them go. But something someone said to me recently gave me a better perspective on that. She said, if you hold onto things too tightly you will strangle them, and if you let them go and they don’t come back they aren’t meant to be a part of you, and if you let them go and they do come back then they have resurfaced with a renewed freedom. Which to me means that those thoughts/feelings that come back will come back with a clearer perspective, recycled through the subconscious and now fresh and clean and in a much better place to handle. Sometimes the more you try to understand something the less it makes sense, but if you are able to let it go you have a better chance of understanding it better later. And I think that is something I just have to trust: that by letting go doesn’t mean I have given up, just that I am not in a place to fully understand yet and that place will come eventually. Patience. I am trying to learn Patience. Patience, Faith, Acceptance. Those are things that take continuous work and awareness. But when they are a part of my life I realize I am a much happier person, and that is what is important.

I <3 Indiana

Okay, so here is a great article, not only is the story something else, but just how they wrote the article is rather amusing. I took the liberty of bolding my favorite parts. The original article can be found at http://cbs2.com/topstories/topstories_story_110210958.html. Enjoy!

Girl Attacks Classmate With Medieval Weapon

(CBS) GARY, Ind. A fight at an Indiana high school turned into a medieval attack when a freshman girl hit another student and tried to hit a teacher with an uncommon weapon.

Gary police say the girl still has not said how she got the medieval weapon, which weighs about six pounds. The freshman, who has been charged with battery, told police she brought the weapon to school because she was tired of being picked on.

"She was aiming for my face,” said Shanique Ballard, the target of the attack.

Ballard said she bumped into one of the freshman's friends in the hallway at Lew Wallace High School, and an argument started. Ballard said that's when the young girl pulled out a flail – a sharp, spiked metal ball attached to a handle by a chain or short stick – and started swinging.

"She swung it quick but I just jumped back real quick, 'cause it was long and I had to keep runnin' back,” Ballard said. “I was running back as she was comin' to me."

Ballard said her friend's hand got cut when she tried to get between her and the freshman. She added that the girl also swung the metal club at a teacher.

“It’s heavy, and it’s metal, and it’s sharp,” Detective Sgt. Darlene Breitenstein said after delivering the girl to the Lake County (Ind.) Juvenile Justice Center, where she is being held on battery charges.

“I took the weapon to the detention center for the judge to see,” said Breitenstein.

"That type of weapon would surprise anyone,” said Lt. Samuel Roberts of the Gary Police Department. “It's not the typical weapon that you may find at a school."

School officials told police a fight broke out in a hallway as students changed classes at third hour. The freshman told Breitenstein she took the flail to school because she needed protection.

Charmella Greer of the Gary Community School Corp. said disciplinary action will be taken.

In a statement, the school's superintendent said the teen entered Lew Wallace using an unauthorized side door to avoid the main entrance where metal detectors and cameras are located. The statement does not say why a security officer is not stationed at that door. The superintendent also said a teacher was never attacked, she just tried to intervene.

One parent CBS 2 spoke to Friday afternoon said he was surprised too. He said he was never notified by phone or letter about the attack. He also says he's concerned the heavy object made it past metal detectors inside the school.

"Any time something like that happens, you know, I believe all parents should be contacted, so something needs to be done about it, definitely,” said parent Raymond Spencer.

(© 2007 CBS Broadcasting Inc. All Rights Reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed. The Associated Press contributed to this report. )

Hmmm

So yea, apparently I’m pretty bad about keeping up on these things. It’s hard to find things to write about sometimes, especially when the personal life gets crazy. I refuse to turn this into a myspace blog letting the world know about all my problems. Instead, here’s something to ponder. I’m not really sure about how people can truly believe what they say, how they formulate opinions that are often so hypocritical. I think we all tend to do it now and again, but really, sometimes it just astonishes me. What I’m really thinking about as I say this is the current shootings in Virginia and the past shootings across the country. (I’d think about other shootings in other countries but it seems that American media really doesn’t think other countries are all that important unless we bomb them so until I get back into the habit of reading other countries news American news will have to suffice). You get these kids, adults, people who have so much pain in their lives and start to rebel. And granted I know in a few of these cases these people are mentally ill, but other people who are not begin to think they understand what these people are saying and think they have good points, I disagree.

You start to hear about, and I am paraphrasing, how if only people were nicer than these things wouldn’t happen. How it is the victims’ own fault for mistreating others, teasing, taunting, pushing them too far. Usually they focus on some aspect of their victims’ lives that they don’t have, money and faith being two big trends it seems. They then proceed to spew nonsense about how they are martyrs and they are doing this for the people who have suffered like they have and basically what they are trying to say is “I’m teaching you all a lesson so that people stop treating others like this.” Now, does anyone else see a flaw in that theory? Can you righteously claim that you are supporting humanity and the people who are “just like you” who get teased and picked on relentlessly by murdering other people who most the time aren’t even the ones who did the taunting in the first place? There are greater and much less violent ways to serve humanity. Not to mention it doesn’t really seem to be teaching anyone any lesson. After about a week the teasing starts again, the relentless verbal and sometimes physical abuse children dish out to each other is an ongoing event that won’t be stopped by murder. Now most the time it seems that the people who come up with these theories are deranged, but that doesn’t seem to stop the other kids who listen and watch this nonsense start up a following in their thinking. I just think it is so interesting how people react so quickly and are so willing to follow blindly. The problem in this country especially is we have forgotten how to teach our children to think. Thinking is the key no matter what the situation. It is dangerous to act like sheep, though I doubt it will ever stop, and that is what gives rise to terrible power. I am curious to see where events like this will take us. What will be the changes made in the future? Will there be any changes or as a society are we willing to mourn but keep our eyes shut and look the other way. I think ten years from now will be an interesting time, which path will the world take. I hope to find out.