Hm, so I’ve noticed I’ve neglected my blog more throughout the summer and as it ends (though technically Autumn doesn’t start til September 23rd). I think that has been mainly due to the fact that I’ve been trying to figure and work so much out But I realize how interesting the last five months of my life have been. They have been very significant months for me. I am a little surprised that I can look back over them and see a concrete change in feeling, attitude etc. I don’t think I ever posted this before, but I had a pretty nasty break up beginning of March and things are finally coming to a close with that whole thing. I’ve done wonders in the healing process, and I’m actually pretty proud of myself. There was a definite time when I didn’t think that I would ever be able to heal or get over it, or I just wanted that time to come faster and then I finally had to accept it would take a lot of time and I’d heal when I healed. I do feel like I’ve gotten through the worst of it, and now it’s just trying to fix all the damage it caused in all the little areas it leaked into, which were many. It’s amazing how in one day with one event a person can just snap and wake up after years of being blind with denial. I guess it’s a good thing to remember I am human, as utterly amazing and wonderful as I am I know it can be hard to believe ;).
I always find it interesting as well that sometimes there are that straight line, or break, when you realize a change has occurred, even if there have been events that lead up to it and perhaps you were in the process of it for awhile, but sometimes it feels like it truly was just crossing that line and now it’s done, simple as that. That’s how I feel most recently and that feels good. I like noticeable change, I like coming to conclusions and feeling that definite feeling. I have also changed my perspective from my last post where I was in anxiety mode of all the changes and new things and this week I feel like I can accept to expect the unexpected. Who knows what I’ll feel like tomorrow, but I am in a train of thought were I am more excited than anxious. Things seem to be falling into place. I found an apartment already, I’m getting my finances together to pay for school and living and that seems to be going smoothly, planning the move, which gives me some sort of perceived knowledge and already getting the things packed and sorted through.
I’m going to get rid of more things (which is all they are… things), a practice I’m trying to make a habit out of. I am tired of holding onto material possessions and yet I still have difficulty letting go because of the emotional attachment I have to them. I have just recently started looking into why that is, why I hold such deep emotional attachment to inanimate things that are of no use to me. And I don’t mean just things like memorabilia that most people have attachment to. I am talking about things like clothing I’ve had since high school that I will NEVER wear again, things that I didn’t wear often, that I never even really liked (not like a favorite pair of jeans) and I still have emotional attachment to it because I wore it once… That is just ridiculous. As I thought this yesterday when I went through my closet and hesitated to get rid of one shirt, I said to myself “you sound crazy” and threw the shirt into the give away bag and have now been obsessing over it for a day. But I won’t give in!! It will go to The Arc and I will not keep it!!! This subject always reminds me of George Carlin’s spew about people and their stuff. I will just quote it since it’s better to read his words than try to paraphrase.
“That's all you need in life, a little place for your stuff. That's all your house is: a place to keep your stuff. If you didn't have so much stuff, you wouldn't need a house. You could just walk around all the time. A house is just a pile of stuff with a cover on it. You can see that when you're taking off in an airplane. You look down, you see everybody's got a little pile of stuff. All the little piles of stuff.”
It’s so true! Ugh! Stuff! I am adamant about breaking this awful curse/disease that I have of keeping everything and throwing nothing away. I will be rid of it! I have a little fantasy about a nice cute apartment that is very minimalist in style. Not full of stuff, nicely decorated with just a few simple things to accent my personality. That makes me feel good to think about living in a place like that. I just have to find a way to be okay with letting everything else go. I think the move will be the best thing for me to accomplish that goal. Wish me luck!! (If that doesn’t work then I will just get myself a huge storage place when I’m rich and put all my stuff in that and keep my house nice and simple :D See, there is always an alternative answer!)
