Selfish

I have been feeling very selfish lately. It's actually something I started to feel a couple of years ago, though I relished in it because I had never really truly been selfish. I felt deprived of taking care of myself and giving myself what I needed and putting myself first. There are so many things I want to do in life that I'm afraid to do anything that might stifle accomplishing those things. I guess what has finally brought me to actually right about it is because lately the thought of children has passed my mind more and more often.

I'm at that age, my body sometimes tells me how much it wants me to have a child, but I am no where ready for that. I have always known that. I've felt that I've wanted children in my life very badly, but always when I was older. Now I am older, I am getting older, and as I get closer to the age of last possibilities (which I realize is still a far way away) I still keep saying, maybe when I'm older. But then I start to wonder, how old "when I'm older" will I be? I have wanted children since I was a little girl. But I want to travel, I will want selfish time with my husband. I will want time with myself. I have so many books I want to read. I have so many things I want to do. I feel the need to not be dragged down by schedules or necessities. Babies cry all night and need constant care and attention. Children need raising, the cost, the time, the effort. Why did I want children again?? To have something fun to play with, to dress, to watch grow and learn and know I brought it into life? Is that really that appealing? And yet I can't imagine not having children. That distresses me.

But I really start to wonder, do I really want children? I really don't know. And perhaps I won't know until my selfish phase passes, which I know it will pass. But I don't know if that is what controls the feeling of wanting children or not or if it's something deeper. I have so much to learn in life. I like not being tied down. I like being able to experience things on my own, when I want, how I want. I like my freedom. I don't know, it is just a very uneasy feeling at the same time. It must mean I feel imbalanced. Can I really have the best of both worlds though? Maybe I should just stop worrying about it all and learn to live life as it comes. I still have not mastered that yet. I would very much like to one day. I think Jason can teach me a lot about that. Hopefully he will teach me and I won't ruin him with the way I worry. Hopefully I will learn much more about myself and others through this masters program. Hopefully I will get in! Until I find out though, I can practice living one day at a time, living in the now. Finding peace in time passing by at the rate it will pass. I need a lot of practice.